We Paid For This

Every now and then, I actually get surprised by something government does. This, of itself, is surprising because governments the world over are the same cumbersome bureaucratic nests of stupidity run by people who haven't set foot in the world since primary school. (If you don't believe that, go and read P.J. O'Rourke's "Parliament of Whores".)

A few months ago, I was looking for a map of Australia to snatch off some unsuspecting website to insert into a business plan. I did all the usual things... you know... go to Google... type in Australia Map... and trawl through a list of 139,681 listings that Google always finds that have nothing to do with whatever it was you were looking for in the first place.

And then I tripped over this...
http://www.toiletmap.gov.au

Yes. It really is an Australian Government Website... "The National Public Toilet Map"... a map of the location and opening hours of every public toilet in the country.

Seriously. It really is... you can tell from the ".gov.au" at the end of the domain name. Apparently, our government thinks this is a very important project.

Take a bit of time there. If you know any suburbs in Australia, type in the name in "Search for a Toilet". If you don't, try "Greenwich" (which is where this bear lives). Apparently, there's a public toilet just near my place, and it's open 24/7. Wow. That's... um... handy to know... I think.

What dumb ass bureaucrat proposed this project?
What even dumber ass approved it?
What do you put on your business card if you work there?

And didn't it occur to them that every pub, Macdonalds, KFC, petrol station, and shopping mall in the country has perfectly serviceable public toilets? Try this... type in "Woolloomooloo" (yes, it's a real place name). You get one public toilet. (Of course, that it's right opposite a hostel for homeless people isn't mentioned anywhere in reference... that wouldn't be politically correct). But readers, there are 5 pubs and two petrol stations in Woolloomooloo that aren't on this National Register, any of which would be safer than the convenience listed (unless you're there late on a Friday night, at which time it wouldn't matter where you went, you're in mortal danger).

I guess I should just feel honoured to be living in a country so wealthy that our government can afford to build and maintain an interactive on-line map of every public convenience in our land.

The End Of Days

There's a new version of Monopoly. In it, they've replaced Monopoly Money with the Monopoly Visa Card. Really. They have. True story.

It's a bloody outrage! Sickening. Egregious. Rampant Commercialism at its worst.

It raises some interesting questions too...

• How can you cheat if the cash in the game is handled electronically?
• What sort of message does it send the kiddies… to be playing with a Visa Card instead of cash?
• Does it ring you up when it’s your turn, introducing itself with a really nasally voice and mispronouncing your name?
• Does it make you select menu options at 15 levels before you get to talk to someone when you want to challenge an error it made? (oh, wait, there is no human being at the bottom of all those menus… just more recorded messages and options… ok… that’s realistic.)

No stations anymore either. Airports. Can you imagine throwing a nine and trying to land on DFW or Heathrow when you're playing on a friday night? You'd be going around and around the board for hours and not landing on anything!

And where’s my bloody top hat? I don’t want to be a hamburger with fries, and if I can’t be a top hat, I don’t want to be a fecken V8 Commodore HSV, I want to be an old fashioned liddle racing car.

Oh, and TWO MILLION bloody dollars just for passing go? Bugger off. It's two hundred. That's it. Anyone who gets two mil just for passing go deserves to go to jail coz they've got to be doing something wrong.

And… and… and.. (yes, I know, but it’s hard to construct grammatically correct paragraphs when your blood pressure is so high)… and… you don't win a beauty contest any more... you win a “Reality TV Show”.

What?
Race Around The Monopoly Board?
Survivor Monopoly – Quest For The Golden Hotel?
My Hotel On Mayfair Rules?
The Block on Euston Road?
Big Brother (Subtitled “You Little Shit, Put Your Skateboard Back On My Mayfair With The Hotel and Pay Up… MUUUUUUM.. DAN’S CHEATING AGAIN… MUUUUUUUM)?

This is The End Of Civilisation As We Know It... The End Of Days!

PS. I do admit though... having a "Monopoly Visa Card" instead of a poxy bank one would be rather cool. Imagine walking up to check out at the Hyatt and settling the bill with one of those. Class! I must write to Hasbro.

My First Real Blog

Yup. This is it...

For yonks (that's Aussie for a very long time), my friend (yes, I only have one) has been saying "why don't you write you own blog?"

So here it is.

Chester with nothing to say...
Some straw brained bear pontificating over stuff about which he actually knows very little...
More inappropriate use of the elipse (...)...

Welcome to The Adventures Of Chester The Bear.