Drugs

Anyone who reads these rants will know that I have adult ADD, which means that when it's really important, I have the attention span of a fly, and when it's not really important, I can get lost in whatever I'm doing at the exclusion of the really important things.

For example, I have a meeting at 10 tomorrow with some big name TV producer... an IMPORTANT meeting. It takes 20 minutes to drive from my place to my office. And I can guarantee that 25 minutes before the meeting, I'll decide that it's a great time to clean out the inbox on my home office PC, which is, of course, much more than a 5 minute job.

Now the rational part of my brain just beats me up and tells me I lack self discipline. The other parts of my brain gang up on it, and point out that as four doctors have now reached the same diagnosis, then that's an awful lot of medical school to contradict. The rational part of my brain is right, of course, but hey... this is the 21st century... a wonderous time when any notion of self responsibility is about as quaint as black and white TV.

So I get to blame ADD, and thanks to the miracles of modern diagnostic medicine, I have the brain scans and psych profile tests to back me up.

Adult ADD, of course, can be a great gift. We "see" stuff... usually the stuff happening in the background of life, while the things right in front of us sometimes pass quietly by. For example, if I met you at a party, I'll remember the watch you were wearing, and that you had a scar on your wrist, but I won't remember your name, no matter how much I enjoyed your company. It makes driving interesting too... I'm much more likely to notice the "We Close" sign on the door of the Chinese restaurant I just whizzed by, than I am to notice the red light ahead. And trust me... you don't want to accept my invitation to play "white horse" on a drive in the countryside, because even though I'm driving and you have much more time to look around and find white horses behind farm houses or at the back of some paddock somewhere, I WILL win, because my ADD guarantees that I'll spot that damned horse first.

It also confers boundless creativity, because the breadth of stuff that we do see means we're more likely to think outside that tired proverbial square.

The downside, though, is that I suck at personal organisation, and frequently forget even the most rudimentary things. It can get so bad that I'll spend 10 hours, like I did today, on some meaningless programming task, while there's a whole bunch of invoices that haven't been sent out.

In other words, if Rome was burning, I'd decide it was a good time to practice the violin.

Therefore, occasionally, I need to resort to some very cool and extremely hard-to-get drugs to centre me a little. So hard-to-get that the prescription needs to be signed off by some faceless bureaucrat in Canberra, just to make sure I'm not getting three prescriptions at once from three different psychiatrists. (Regular doctors like Dr J can't prescribe it, which is a bummer).

You see, Dexamphetamine has a very high street value, and I'm told that it can deliver quite a kick if one doesn't actually "need" it. I was "warned", when I got my hands on my first 'script, that a simple $20 bottle of pills has a street value of around $1500. Strange advice to give someone suffering from mental disease, but hey... at least I know I have a guaranteed alternative income source if the business ever falls down.

Sadly, I don't get the kick. For me, dex just creates clarity. I'm told it does that by simultaneously speeding up one part of the brain, while slowing down another, so for a few days after I start taking stuff, the world can be a very interesting place indeed.

The downside, I know, will be a loss of some of life's colour for a little while. I just won't "see" quite as much next week as I did last week.

The upside is that I might remember to pay the electricity bill, buy a new toothbrush, and actually go out and see a client or two.

AND... Dex is a fabulous appetite supressant, so I can expect to shed more than a few kilos in the process. Ah well. If that's the price I have to pay for being a functioning human being, then I guess I'll live with it for a while.

Good Dog!

If, like me, you think (most) dogs are better company that (most) people, go HERE.

League of Nations

That's what my bowling league is called.

And each of the teams is named after a country (that usually reflects the country of origin of the team members). There's Greece, Lebanon, Syria, Italy, England, Greece II, Lebanon II & III, New Zealand, Fiji, Hong Kong, Korea, Vietnam and even an Australia.

...except for my team (which I joined long after it was formed), and which is named "Dream Team". I have no idea why, and it's embarrasing to play in the only team that doesn't have a real name.

Therefore, I have informed my team mates that this week, we're going to change our name. We have a shortlist...

• Burundi
• Botswana
• Moldovia
• Tasmania
• Senegal
• Togo
• Monaco
• Hutt River

The front runner is Derkaderkistan.

Team America: World Police, saved the world from the evil terrorists of Derkaderkistan.

Nominations, though, have not yet closed...

There's A Bear In There

Our coathanger is 75 today, and to celebrate, it was closed to cars yesterday (Sunday) so we could wander across like ants. They reckon around 500,000 people took the opportunity, but given that it looked like this for much of the day, I suspect it might have been more.

The bear was there, though by the time Dr J and I joing the throngs, they'd run out of free yellow hats.

Doctors Prefer Camel

Dr J sent me this earlier in the week.

You have to admire the Tobacco Industry. It's a real ad from the 1940s, and the copy writing is brilliant. Every doctor in private practice was asked "What cigarette do you smoke?".

"Not a guess, not just a trend, but an actual fact based on statements of the doctors themselves to 3 nationally known independent research organisations.

"Yes, your doctors was asked, along with thousands and thousands of other doctors from Maine to California.

"And they've named their choice--the brand that more doctors named as their smoke is Camel!"

Not one research organisation, but 3, and not just any old research organisations, but "nationally known" research organisations! Brilliant! But there's more... not just any old doctors either, but your YOUR doctor! I love it! If these guys were around today, they'd be writing infomercials, or speeches for presidential aspirants.

Apparently, the proof is all in the "T Zone" (bottom left)...

"The 'T Zone' Test Will Tell You"

"The 'T Zone'--T for taste and T for throat--is your own laboratory, your proving ground for any cigarette. For only your taste and your throat can decide which cigarette tastes best to you... and how it effects your throat. On the basis of experience of many many millions of smokers, we believe Camels will suit your 'T-Zone' to a T."

Fabulous! "...proving ground". So bloody anachronistic. And to think... this was created in the days when advertising and marketing were more dark arts, and less the evil sciences they are today.

Creepy II

While you're still wondering what to do with So Truly Real TM Hannah, you might consider adding one of these to your apartment.

It's described on eBay as "This is a removable pole that fits most apartments. It is 2nd hand and the nut at the bottom is getting a little worn; however just needs a strong hand to secure it tightly. It comes with a spirit leveller and spanner. Pick up only from Toorak, Victoria".

The highest bid is A$100.

Just Plain Creepy

Every now and then, just when I'm starting to get the feeling that the world is a little humdrum, I trip over stuff that restores my faith in that old Vulcan philosophy of "Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations".


The loose translation of that would be "it takes all kinds to make a world". Yup. All kinds, though this morning, I am struggling to understand the mind of a person who would buy something like this...


We're not talking cute clothes for baby here. People with babies lose higher thinking faculties and so whatever they do can be put down to a temporary failure of reason. No. This is a doll, described by its makers as "So Truly Real"TM that you'll "love him like your own".



I thought I'd better go to the website and see what other methods of money extraction this company has, and... um...

...I just don't know what to say.

I found Little Steve and a whole family of Little Steve's brothers and sisters, plus some other stuff that... no... I can't describe it yet... I need to think about it a bit, so let's get back to Steve's family.

There's Tiny Miracle Emmy, a premature-baby doll you can hold in your hand. Emmy's also So Truly Real TM, and she's "an amazing 25cm" long, which is a curious way to describe the size of anything that's not bigger than an Airbus A380 or smaller than a grape seed but I suppose we should cut the copy writers some slack.

What about "Jack the Little Rooster"...
"Jack, the Little Rooster" – a baby doll So Truly Real you'll love him like your own! "Jack" is incredibly lifelike, from his RealTouch™ vinyl skin to his hand-applied hair, appealing brown eyes and irresistible expression. He even has carefully applied fingernails and toenails. Pick him up and he looks and feels like a real baby! "Jack" comes to you in an adorable hand-tailored rugby league-inspired outfit, including cap, shoes and socks. Once you hold him, look into his happy face and love him, you'll be convinced he's So Truly Real! "Jack" comes with a FREE "Adoption Certificate".

"Love him like your own"??? "Looks and feels like a real baby"??? I'll bet he doesn't smell like a real baby, and scream in the middle of the night like a real baby, though I suppose if he did, unlike the real thing, at least you could send him back.

You can also get Ben the Little Eagle , Timmy the Little Bomber, Bobbie the Little Magpie, Bill the Little Eel, Tom the Little Raider, Sam the Little Bronco, Nicholas the Little Sea Eagle, Jamie the Little Knight, Liam the Little Tiger, Josh the Little Cowboy and Ryan the Little Panther, each dressed in their appropriate team regalia with certificates etc, and each with that (am I allowed to say 'retarded'?) facial expression, and a name so archetypally matched to the part of Australia the football team represents that my level of respect for the aforementioned copy writers has been considerably raised.

But then there's "Hanging Out With Hannah", and I think I'll leave it to the copy to tell you all about her...

Remember what it's like to have an eight year old around? Collectible doll artist Julie Fischer certainly does, and so she's created "Hannah," a long-limbed, lively strawberry blonde with bright eyes, unruly hair, and a non-stop, personality that will amaze you! To enhance the look of a real little girl, this vinyl doll wears cross-stich embroidered overalls over a pink blouse with lace trim. She even has tiny flower earrings with sparkling pink stones! Such a pretty girl! Best of all, Hannah is constructed and weighted so you can pose her almost anyway you can think of! Nominated for the 2005 DOTY Award, this exclusive Julie Fischer doll from Ashton-Drake is such a realistic doll that you simply must have her for yourself. One look and you'll love Hannah forever – order now!

So... um... are they saying Hannah is the doll of choice for paedophiles everywhere?

Or perhaps she's just the perfect gift for sad old tarts who forgot to have children. At least they didn't have to wreck their figures and surrender their social lives to have her, though I do have an image in my head such that I'm reasonably sure an excess of assorted comfort foods wrecked that figure a very long time ago, and there hasn't been much of a social life for quite a while either.

Are they serious? This is a life sized eight year old, um, no... what I mean is that this is a life sized replica of an eight year old. And how can a doll have a "non-stop personality"?

Does anyone else find this a little creepy? Except for the distinct advantage that having Hannah strapped into the front seat of the car would bring (when you were trying to get to the office in a hurry and wanted to use the T2 transit lane), why would you want one of these?

Ah well. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same.

(If you want to see much more noice (that's not a typo, it's a pronunciation) and rather creepy "collactables", go HERE.)

Life Really Is A Lottery

Oh joy!

It seems I've won the "English National Lottery". THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS is, apparently, waiting for me to collect.

AND

In the same week, I've also won a MILLION EUROS in something called the Euro-PW Lottery Online.

I am just SO lucky. Actually, with this much luck, I'd better go and actually buy a lottery ticket. I mean, what are the chances of TWO of my email addresses winning lotteries within days of each other. All without me even knowing I'd entered. Astounding.

It must be true though. I got these emails that said so. My email addresses, it seems, had been "selected at random from the internet" and entered in the lotteries and they won!! BOTH of them! Woo bloody hoo!

All I have to do for one of them is contact some "barraster" in London somewhere. Or was that "barista". I can't exactly recall, though I do suspect that the average barista might have more qualifications than this "barraster". And for the other, I just have to send a note to "The Director Of Winning Claims Department", though I'm not allowed to mention the win to anyone because of "unwarranted abuse of this program by some participant". Gee.. I hope they're not talking about me.

Ah well. Gotta go. Have to write me a couple of claims emails and work out where/how to spend/invest all that loot. HooAh!

Kapow!

A Sydney Morning Herald reader, Mikey Wang, snapped this shot of a lightning bolt hitting the Coathanger during last night's storm. For more pics, go HERE.

The Delicate Sound Of Thunder

We're in the middle of the most amazing thunderstorm right now. I've been standing on my balcony watching for about the last 30 minutes, but decided to come in when a bolt of lightning flashed horizontally across the sky right overhead, acompanied by the biggest, loudest mother of all bangs I've ever heard.

The sky above me is lighting up like a flourescent tube, so bright it's turning midnight into daylight. And the flashes are coming every few seconds.

This is absolutely spectacular! Someone up there is very very pissed off.

Nice To Know

Anyone who's read this blog for more than a few weeks will know I'm no great fan of bureaucrats. I just have trouble understanding the bureaucratic mind.

Take this, from the Australian and New Zealand Food Standards Code...

15-Hygiene of food handlers
A food handler must, when engaging in any food handling operation -
f) not sneeze, blow or cough over unprotected food or surfaces likely to come into contact with food;
g) not spit, smoke or use tobacco or similar preparations in areas in which food is handled; and
h) not urinate or defecate except in a toilet.

Ok. Thanks for clarifying that, because until I saw that they needed to put something in the Government Regulations about it, I didn't know that people defecating in food preparation areas was a problem.

Seriously. Do they really need to write that up? I mean, isn't it just bloody obvious?

Are food workers so stupid that they don't know these things? Or maybe they're so unclean that this is natural behaviour to them, in which case, I don't want them preparing my food.

And if it's that important to state the obvious, why didn't they prohibit engaging in sexual activity near food, or exercising in a food preparation area? What about chewing gum? Or snorting cocaine?

I just don't get it. Bah!

Holiday In Hell

Photo Courtesy Associated Press

I was reading a story on the Sydney Morning Herald website tonight. It was a routine AP report about Italy's Stromboli Volcano erupting again. The piece talked about how Stromboli is a favourite summer vacation destination for Europe's glitterati, and how it was now a dangerous place.

"Locals fear a repeat of the events of December 2002 when a similar upsurge in volcanic activity caused a massive chunk of rock to drop into the sea, causing a 10-metre (33 foot) tidal wave that ruined houses close to the shore.

"Emergency sirens sounded on the island when the new eruption began and local authorities ordered all residents to move to at least 10 metres above the water line."

And at the bottom, an ad for local travel agency chain Flight Centre saying "book your holiday now".

Nice one.