Caution?

I bought a new mop the other day. You know the type... one of those squeegee mop things that isn't really a mop, but more a sponge on the end of a stick. It's got one of those handles you push down on to fold the sponge in half to squeeze the water out.

It has a curious warning on the handle, in big red letters...

CAUTION
Wet mop before
wringing out

Um? Ok.

So WHY would someone want to wring out a DRY mop?

Come to think of it, is it actually possible to wring out something that isn't wet?

There are lots of useful CAUTION notes on products these days, like the one on the iron I bought last week that says "Caution. Do not use in bath." I can see that some lame idiot might try bathing and ironing at the same time, and that the company has to protect itself (though it's debatable whether in doing so, they're protecting or harming the future of the gene pool).

I can understand why a bottle of Children's Cough Medicine would contain a warning that says "Caution, do not drive or operate heavy machinery while on this medication." Those sand pits can be a pretty dangerous place if people aren't in proper control of their Tonka Trucks.

I can even understand why a packet of cigarettes has the warning "Caution. Smoking May Be Hazardous To Your Health". There must be at least one person in the western world who isn't aware of the danger, and it's very important that we make sure he knows as soon as possible.

But "Caution. Wet mop before wringing out"? What's going to happen if I don't? Is this a warning that some harm might come to me? How? Will the sponge explode? Will it release some toxic spores? What should I be watching out for? Should I be wearning protective clothing when using the mop? Should I make sure I never use the mop alone? I'm sorry. I just don't understand.

Unsuitably Qualified

Hiring. It's nearly as bad as firing. You know you want an eagle, but you have to interview too many turkeys to find one.

The unsuitable qualifications in some applicants absolutely amazes me. I mean, I know getting the "right job" is hard, but if we're advertising for a "Receptionist/Marketing Assistant", why on earth would you send a resume highlighting your love for and experience in interior decorating?

Or why would you send a resume with a covering letter that says "I look forward to discussing the position of Warehouse Manager with you soon"? Um... Ok... We can talk about our Warehouse Manager but I quite like him and don't plan on replacing him anytime soon. I'd much rather talk about the RECEPTIONIST / MARKETING ASSISTANT you dumb ass.

Then there's the interview process itself. Here's a tip... LOOK IN THE MIRROR before you leave the house. Dress like you mean it. Don't turn up to the interview looking like you're on the way home from a rave, and while I think of it, don't bring your friends... they just clutter up our reception.

I know it's tough out there, especially when you're just starting out. I know you didn't know that a Diploma in Marketing is about as useful as a fork lift certificate when you're looking for the right break but people, please, think about what we want before you send your resume.

And let me ask you this... What's the main job of a "Receptionist"?

Anyone?

Come on people. This is not a difficult question... the main job of a "Receptionist" is to answer the telephone, and meet and greet people as they arrive at your office.

Yes? Agreed? Ok.

So can anyone explain to me why I got an application from a mute? Seriously. "Selective Childhood Mutism Disorder", which means she only talks to some people and not others, can't answer the phone, and won't talk to strangers.

"I have this keyboard thingmy where I type in what I want to say, and the machine kind of says it for me."

Oh yes. That's going to work. Think about it. You call my company and the phone is answered by sound effects of someone typing, followed by a monotone computer voice.

Now I'm not a totally callous bastard. I really feel for this girl. Whatever happened to her in her childhood that's caused this must have been awful. Her resume put her #1 on our short-list and in every other respect she was a great candidate...
...but the job was for a fecken "Receptionist".

Ah well. Anyone out there looking for a job?

Insufferably Cheery

We had to let a long time employee go today. Now when I say "long time", I mean someone who's been with us for two years.

A rethink on some business priorities forced the decision, and it really was tough, but for the long term future of the company and the survival of everyone elses jobs we need to make some changes. Life is a bit like that. Sometimes you have to make decisions that you'd rather avoid, either because you care about the impact your actions have on fellow human beings, or you're a complete wooss and can't face life's unpleasantries.

Either way, it's a dilemma people in management everywhere face. I don't think I've ever met anyone who enjoyed this part of running a business (or a department).

So how do you tell someone in their late fifties that they don't have a job with you any more? How do you deal with the expected emotion, and how do you offer the right sort of "support".

You sit them down, tell them that they have been loyal and hardworking, and then you somehow work the fact that you don't want them any more into the conversation. I've been on the receiving end a few times in my life, and I don't like it. I also know first hand how potentially devastating losing your job can be.

It had to be done...

But what I didn't expect was the insufferable cheeriness that greeted the news. Our employee was just too nice. She smiled a lot, and said words like "yes, I completely understand".

Ok. We gave her a nice little payout, and maybe she was thinking "wow, there's that Cruise to Alaska I've been saving up for". Or maybe she was just good at pretending, and I'd better look under the car before I turn the ignition key each morning.

One More Thing...

I don't want to turn this into some rant, which is why I've tried to avoid politics, but a friend sent me this link today and I want to share it with you.

Click HERE. There's troubled times ahead.

One Rule For Them

I've tried very hard to make this blog non-political, and to keep it focused on the more mundane aspects of life. Today, though, it's different, and I'm going to do something I never thought I'd be doing in my life, which is defending the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church.

Last week Pope Benedict was in Germany. He made a reference to an ancient description of Islam that was less than complimentary. This provoked outrage across the Muslim world, and now you have half the Christian world in Europe groveling before Islam. Yes, groveling. European leaders can’t say “sorry” fast enough.

I'm going to declare an interest here... I am Jewish... not a practicing Jew by any means, and I can't actually remember the last time I attended a Synagogue or Temple service. But I am a Jew nevertheless, and proud of the history of my people.

For that reason alone, I abhor racism of any kind. I wrote this two weeks ago as a comment on Blog-a-licious…

Care not for the colour of their skin, or their eyes, or their hair.
Care not what God (or Gods) they worship, or indeed whether they choose to worship a God at all.
Care not what language they speak, or what car they drive, or what clothes they wear.
Care only about whether they care, because if any of the above bothers them or causes them to act, say or do differently to one person as to another, then smack them down.

It therefore saddens me that I feel the need to write this blog at all, but to me, it’s more than a little rich that Islam rises up in protest whenever it perceives (or wishes to fabricate) some insult from the West, when every day, all over the world, Clerics and Imams preach the vilest anti-Semitism in history.

It is preached from pulpits, in village squares, in towns and in cities from Morocco to Jakarta. It is taught in schools as part of a formal curriculum. It fills newspapers and television. Don’t believe me? Go here and see what Arab TV teaches children about the Jews.

There is a common theme… that Jews are all liars, that it is the sacred duty of Muslims everywhere to kill Jews (and Christians too, I might add), that the Holocaust never happened and was Jewish conspiracy to gain sympathy from the rest of the world. Their anti-Semitism compresses all of the anti-Semitism in history, delivering it as truth to a people too uneducated to understand the manipulation.

And it’s not just Islam that has institutionalized this hatred. Anti-Semitism is an instrument of power, and is defacto state policy across more countries that I could name. I’m not talking about the loony Iranians here. Muhatir Mohammed, the former president of Malaysia, once banned Schindler’s List because, in his words, “this film perpetuates the myth of the holocaust”.

In the Jews, the failed states of the Middle East have found an easy “common enemy” against which they can unite their people.

In the Jews, the extremist Islamicists have found a common evil and simplistic explaination for why the rest of the world seems to enjoy prosperity while much of the Muslim world, and especially the middle east, is a cesspit of poverty and despair.

(That’s a topic for another time, but if you want a fresh perspective on politics in the middle east, go here.)

And remember the Danish cartoon fiasco? The same day that cartoon was published in Denmark, dozens of vile, anti-Semitic cartoons were published in newspapers across the Arab world.

Cartoons like this from Ash-Sharq, February 19, 2006.

"Islam" is caricatured on the left, peaceful and scholarly, about to be stabbed by the pen of "Western Media". On the right, the "Western Media" bows in front of a toilet bowl, labeled "Zionism," from which fire, labeled "the Holocaust," emanates. Behind stands the devil, above which are the Menorah and the Star of David.

Or this, from Al-Watan, March 18, 2006.

The headline reads “Bird Flu In Israel”.

So, when I hear that “the whole of Islam” is offended by the words of the Pope, I have but one thing to say…

Go away you pathetic little people.

Until you get your own house in order, your whining is meaningless. It has no moral authority and no credibility. Western Civilisation makes the mistake of dealing with you as though you share at least some of our values. By your actions, you demonstrate that you do not.

We react with political correctness to a foe that laughs at our weakness. I have always believed that there comes a time in the history of any civilization that it must draw that proverbial line in the sand. THIS is such a time.


I will qualify all of the above by saying I still believe that, mostly, people are just people. Some are misguided and others are poorly led, but most are decent folk. I’d also like to acknowledge (and encourage) the moderate voice of Islam, in which values of peace, harmony and tolerance are central.

Oops!

We're trying to implement a new accounting system that's integrated into our on-line ordering system. Sounds boring, right? Yeah. It is. Really tedious. There's a reason accountants have that sort of reputation... they deserve it. And computer geeks... they might inherit the earth, but they will have absolutely no idea what to do with it when they get it.

I digress. This was supposed to be about 'Oops!'.

We're trying to take people out of the equation. That is, we're trying to automate the system so that there's no possibility our people can 'forget' to do whatever it is they forgot to do that made me decide to automate the process in the first place. (People do that... they forget stuff. Mostly, machines don't.)

To bring the system on line, we had to write a little script that... oh fuck it... you don't care what the little script was supposed to do, and frankly, neither do I. I just know it didn't do it right.

What it did do was send out an invoice this morning to our best customer...

... for forty seven million, two hundred and sixty eight thousand, one hundred and ninety one dollars and fifty three cents.

That's an awful lot of whatever it is we sell... even the expensive stuff.

It got me to thinking about the nature of intelligence and whether these machines of ours will ever be able to look at the invoice before it goes out and say "that doesn't look right".

I suspect never, but when we discovered the error, we called that machine a great many names, many of which involved gratuitous use of that F word and that other C word, and even a B word and a P word or two. All of those words were intended to hurt its feelings.

At least the customer has a sense of humour.

Drunken Bastards

I got a call from my Sales & Marketing Manager last Sunday morning. She was going to be late to the most important trade show of the year.

This is why...


Yes, that's her company car, a Smart fourtwo. For my American reader, that's a car that's the size of a shoebox. It gets around 90mpg.

The neighbours told her that a pack of drunken early twenty somethings, all men of course, did this. They thought it was ever so funny. They pushed and pushed and pushed. After all, the whole car only weighs 700kg. I'm just glad I believe in karma.

What is it with boys, alcohol and Saturday nights?