Secret Mens' Business

Ever since I was old enough to realise that girls who can't (or won't) be your girlfriend make really cool friends, these buddies of the opposite sex have often turned to me for advice on catching (or keeping) that elusive 'perfect man'.

Maybe that's because, when I'm not distracted, I can be a good listener and my keen ADD enhanced powers of observation allow me to dispense some pretty solid advice. I'm also brutally honest, not necessarily because I'm brutally honest, but more because that same ADD means that, at times, the filters on my brain that should stop me from blurting out what I really think don't work so well. (Like the other day when I told our new PR person that she should take a tub of whey home because "it's a great way to shed a few kilos"... oops!)

If you're female, single, contemplating being single again, or in a relationship that involves the half of the species that has a dangly bit in the front, then pay careful attention, because I probably won't let you in on any Secret Mens' Business ever again.

Are you listening?

WE'RE DIFFERENT! Our brains are wired differently to yours, and are actually a little bigger (which doesn't make us smarter, by the way... but more on that later).

We're also EXTREMELY PREDICTABLE, and that you are constantly surprised or disappointed by our behaviour only underscores the fact that YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

So stop judging the behaviour of the men around you as though they are your girlfriends. We're not, and it's time you learned why not.

I'm going to preface this advice with a warning. If you're easily offended, or if you can't accept harsh reality, please stop reading, switch off the computer and head down to Borders, Angus & Robertson or some other purveyor of fine books. Buy yourself a Jackie Collins Bodice Ripper and be done with the whole courting thing because if you don't understand some of this, then you're never going to be in the game.

Really. I mean it. What follows here has no judgement or moral assessment attached to it... it's just the way it is, because that's how we're wired.

The FIRST RULE...
Men are basic creatures, driven by a very small, reptillian brain that is remarkable in its simplicity...

...because all straight men, from the age of around 15 or 16 to so old it's no longer relevant, perform a stunning little "cost/benefit analysis" on every female they meet. It's a subconscious thing, and it happens in a blink, but its outcome dictates much of our behaviour towards women.

What we're talking about here is the cost/benefit of sleeping with you.

STOP. I know what you're thinking, because I've had this conversation too many times and the initial reaction is always the same so before you judge us by your girl standards, just stay with this a little while longer.

The cost/benefit analysis goes something like this...
Will the benefits of getting to sleep with you outweigh the cost? Notice that I said "benefits of getting to sleep with you" and not just "sleeping with you".

The assessment might be that in order to sleep with you, the guy would need to court you, date you for years and eventually marry you. The cost, therefore, is extremely high. The benefit, though is that not only does he get to sleep with you, he gets to marry you as well.

Or... The assessment might be that in order to sleep with you, the guy just needs to buy you a drink. The cost, therefore is low, but the benefit, being an hour or two of gratuitous sex, may be perceived to be higher than the cost, in which case he'll buy you that drink. If he doesn't have that perception, take it personally... he just not attracted to you. I know. I know. I've heard it before... not all men are interested in gratuitous sex. Wanna bet? Those that you think are not are just pretending, and often pretending to themselves, because that's the way our reptillian brains are wired.

This cost/benefit thing works on all sorts of levels, sometimes simplistically...

...she's 17, gorgeous and the boss's daughter... so the cost is likely to be far higher than the benefit. Or she's 60, overweight and lives in a caravan (trailer) park... so while the cost might potentially be very low, the benefit is extremely low. Or it might be that you live 50km away, which means his cost is the $20 on fuel every time he comes to pick you up for a date. If he doesn't continue to perceive a greater benefit in getting to sleep with you (whenever that might be) than that $20 in fuel, he won't keep coming.

Somethimes, though, there are so many layers of what construes cost and/or benefit that it's no wonder our brains are bigger than yours.

The trick for you, girls, is to know what this cost/benefit means, and how it works. It's to understand that your job is to make the benefit greater than the cost, whatever that cost might be, because the cost/benefit analysis isn't what we use to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship... it's what we use to decide whether we want to be bothered chasing it in the first place.

This means you have to set the benefit high enough to keep him interested long enough to really get to know you. Brutal honesty coming here and I don't care what your pesonal morality is. The cost of getting to sleep with you can NEVER be higher than the perceived benefit. Therefore, if you're a fifth date kind of girl, make him think it's the third date until the benefit justifies the fifth. You can take that literally or figuratively... just understand what it means, which is that even if you're a marry-me-first girl, you're unlikely to be able to draw that boundary on the first date... you have to paint the benefit that justifies the cost and that's going to take time.

The SECOND RULE...
Men do NOT live in the now. We live some little way into the future, and expend a great deal of brainpower exploring the world that might be instead of trying on endless pairs of shoes or reading about why Jennifer and Brad will never get back together.

Yes... we have a different set of priorities when we're devoting brainpower resources, which is frustrating for you because it sometimes means we don't want to talk about some of the stuff you want to talk about, especially if it's trying to over-analyse some past event.

For example, generally, we don't need to be told more than once that we've screwed up. Talking about it over and over does not help us undetrstand it better. We've moved on, ok?

It also means that if you talk to us about a problem of yours, no matter how personal, we'll try to come up with a solution. So many of my female friends say something like "I didn't need him to try and fix it, I just wanted to talk about it." Sorry... for us, talking about it IS trying to fix it... otherwise, what's the point of talking about it?

The THIRD RULE...
We don't like to be ambushed. It's biology. We didn't like to be ambushed by that sabre toothed tiger when we're out hunting for dinner, and we sure as hell don't like to be ambushed at home even more.

Therefore, don't set us up to get into trouble by asking some leading question. We'll only fall for that once, after which our answers to your questions will become more and more obtuse.

The FOURTH RULE...
It is possible for a man's brain to be completely blank. It's biology. We expend a great deal of brain power just keeping our model of the world in our heads (see below). Sometimes we don't feel the need to overlay that with anything at all. Therefore, just because we're quiet doesn't mean we're thinking about anything in particular and it especially doesn't mean we're thinking bad things about you. If we say "nothing" when you ask us "what are you thinking?", the chances are we're telling the truth.

Or if we are thinking about something and don't want to share it with you, it's almost certainly not because it's about you. The reality is, if we tried to tell you what we're really thinking, you're a)not going to believe us, and b)aren't going to understand or be interested in the boy things we think about (which often involve speculative engineering or tomorrow's hunt).

The FIFTH RULE...
While it IS possible for a man to multi-task, often we choose not to. In other words, don't try to talk to us while we're watching the football.

And FINALLY...
Our brains are bigger than yours not because we're smarter, but because we have superior spatial and temporal perception. That is, the model of the world we hold in our brain has more geographic detail than yours, and we're also more aware of how that geographic detail relates to time. It's just biology... we are the hunters, so it's important for us to track the animal through the forest, kill it, AND find our way back to the village with it before you starve to death.

Ok. I'm done. This was your first and only opportunity to get a glimpse into the complex world of male psychology. Ignore it at your peril.