More Special Than Any Of Us Imagined

These days, the mail that gets delivered into the letterbox by the front gate usually isn't anywhere near as interesting as the stuff flooding into my cyber inbox. Most often, it's bills, department store catalogs, menus from local restaurants that deliver, and the occasional reminder from the Office of State Revenue about some forgotten parking fine.

Friday's mail was a little different. It contained a gem in the form of what was supposed to look like a typed letter... old fashioned enough to somehow give it credibility in an increasingly cynical world. It started with a kind of preamble, "typed" above the addressee details, and the worth of the experience to come ought to become evident once you read this opening paragraph...

"Chester Bear, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile. It turns out you're more special than any of us imagined! Chester Bear, did you know that you posess some very rare hidden traits? In fact, there is a famous person (someone you would instantly recognise, he's on TV every night) who posesses these same special, incredibly rare traits. ...It turns out that people who posess these same rare and often hidden traits that you do are some of the most famous and successful people on this planet! Chester, you are indeed blessed! I know those around you don't know this yet, but they will! Deep down, you sense it, too. Right? I'm so excited for you!"

It gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective, and how much you value purity in the English language). I'll let you decide which it is...

Dear Chester Bear,
This is a personal letter just to you. Notice; this is not a mass mailing; this letter came to you by first-class mail, not by third-class bulk mail. This is not a solicitation for money. In fact, you will get something of immense value from us absolutely free with no strings attached. So, read every word very carefully because you will never get another letter from us again.Chester Bear, please keep what I tell you secret, because this information is confidential. These words are meant for you only.

There has existed for many years an exclusive association, a secret society, of the world's most famous and powerful people. These include renowned actors and musicians, leading scientists and intellectuals, self-made entrepreneurs and artists, even some of the rare genuine astrologers and psychics.

The bloody thing blathers on like that for EIGHT pages of diamond studded content, each paragraph measured and targeted... so that by the end, you really want to believe you are special, and that

• you will lose 30lbs overnight
• you will have the perfect relationship with a partner who adores you
• you will be able to see into the future so that you'll always win at gambling and you will know where the stock market will be tomorrow
• you will be rich
• you will be popular
• you will be sexy and desirable

There's even this...

Chester Bear, you'd be amazed to know just who these particular world-renown members were who chose you! But, alas, it's a secret society and although everything I say here is true, their identities must remain anonymous.

Those who chose you, though, do realize your special qualities. YOU'VE GOT IT! You just have not fully realized your special qualities yet.

We know people around you may not see it, but we know that you, Chester Bear, have experienced moments in which you feel spiritually gifted. In those euphoric moments, you know you are special, you absolutely know it, and you feel you are here to do great things with your life. Right? Well, we know it, too, Chester Bear. And yes, you are meant to do great things, exactly as we are going to show you.

How do we know? Be honest: have you ever felt like God or some higher power may be communicating with you, giving you a sign? If you answered yes, and we know you did, then you are indeed that special person we are looking for. And this is your calling. It's as simple as that.

It finishes with this absolutely priceless sign off...

Chester Bear, a Grand Council Member in Greece asked me to give you a personal message. He wrote his message to you in Greek, which I have posted below along with an English translation.

English Translation
"Chester Bear, when I saw the history of your name I instantly knew we had to contact you! There truly is buried treasure lying within you. I can sense this first atom of success and immortality in every new member. Yours is one of the best! With your special, hidden talents, well, let's just say spectacular things will soon open up for you. Few people posses the potentials you do. I can barely stand the anticipation!"

I have no idea what the Greek says, but I'm reasonably sure the translation isn't entirely accurate because the Greek clearly mentions the NT (short for Nouveau Tech) Society, which is purported to be the organisation sending this mountain of sheep poo.

It's kind of sad, really. Even a little depressing. Let's leave aside the fact that it was addressed to a 14" tall stuffed bear for a moment... whoever wrote this deliberately and specifically targets the weak and vulnerable... people who feel their lives do not match some as yet undisplayed potential.

And lets face it... who doesn't think, at some point in their time on this earth, that something in their life, relationship or finances couldn't use some mystical intervention. You can just imagine an overweight, lonely 30 something, working a menaingless 9-5 job, sitting in front of Oprah waiting for a partner who doesn't care any more to come home from the local pub, and "believing" she (yes, she) really is special, if only she had a personality, was thinner, had a better job, and was... well... someone different to whoever she is right now.

I googled the thing and found the whole thing to be mostly harmless. The "free stuff" is a 56 page booklet with a whole bunch of meaningless advice, with an invitation to buy a self help book so you know what it all means.

Ah well. Do I need to quote PT Barnum?