I read a few statistics today, one of which smacked me over the head.
- The first... 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's sad, but not surprising.
- The second... 60% of men cheat in their marriage. That's disappointing, but also not surprising. My observation is that men just have trouble keeping it zipped. That there is a difference, though, between the male cheat rate and the divorce rate is a little surprising, and I'll ask you a question about that in a moment.
- And the third... 40% of women cheat in their marriage. Now that IS surprising. It's been my observation that women aren't like men. Men will have sex with a total stranger, as long as she has a pulse. Women usually require some emotional connection before they can get physical (though I have met one or two exceptions).
Allow me to bare a little of my soul....
Have I ever cheated on my wife or long term partner? No. Absolutely not. To deliberately do something that has the potential to hurt the one you (supposedly) love is unconscionable.
Have I ever had sex with a woman who I knew was married (to someone else)? Hmmm. Now that's a less comfortable question. The short answer is "yes, once". At the time, I thought I was providing "comfort"... hubby had been away on business for about a year and she knew he was cheating on her so she just wanted to be in someone's arms. I was wrong though, and I have vowed I will never do that again.
Has my wife or long term partner ever cheated on me? Sadly, yes.
And finally, could I ever forgive a partner who's cheated on me? No. Like I said, it's the ultimate breach of trust. Nothing they could do or say could ever make good. Nope... you cross that line and it's all over.
The statistics tell me there's a different view out there, so maybe it's me who's out of step. Therefore, I'd like to pose a few questions to you, and you can answer anonymously if you like.
- Does that figure of 40% infidelity among women surprise you? Come to think of it, is the 60% infidelity rate among men surprising? Would you have expected more, or less?
- Have you ever cheated on your partner?
- Have you ever had a relationship with a married man or woman (other than your spouse, of course)? Did the partner ever find out? Would you ever do it again?
- Has your partner ever cheated on you?
- What would you do if you found out your partner was cheating on you?
- And is infidelity something that can (or should) be forgiven?
What I'm concerned about are the statistics... 60% of men and 40% of women think being unfaithful in a long term relationship is ok. That, to me, seems just a little wrong and I'm starting to think we've got some conflict between promiscuity and integrity happening here.
Maybe it's because we live in such a sexually free society. If you're single, you're expected to be sleeping with him/her on the third, second, and sometimes even first date. Go beyond the third date and you're considered just a little weird.
Sex has become a recreational activity, as much a part of the weekend as dinner, a few drinks and a movie. By the time you get married, you're expected to have had multiple partners, and you're considered a bit odd if you haven't. That's all fine. I don't have a problem with any of it... except...
You then choose a life mate and you're expected to have a 180degree change in your behaviour. Probability says it's just not going to work.
I once dated a girl who openly told me that she expected me to be unfaithful. "That's just the way men are", she said. "Just don't ever let me catch you." I actually felt sorry for her. What caused her expectations to be so low?
My ex told me she thought her affairs were ok too, and apparently, 40% of her female colleagues would agree with her.
Has the pendulum swung too far? Am I being an old fashioned relic who, as the statistics suggest, has lost touch with prevailing opinion?
Or is it that we tend to just draw the lines of "normality" in society today in all the wrong places?
7 comments:
Does that figure of 40% infidelity among women surprise you? Neither surprise me, I’d even say I’d suspect more women do but just don’t admit it. I know women are supposed to be all fidelity and nice and soft and loving and supportive and forgiving and all that lot, but my observations have been that they are pretty much like men. There are some basic differences but women can be as nice and also as vile as men can be.
The casualness, recreational quality of modern bonking may indeed be the problem. It’s just another thing to do for entertainment. I guess that’s fine for some but it doesn’t suit us all.
Have you ever cheated on your partner? No. Like you say, it’s all about trust, to do that would be to break that trust. Even though our vows did not include the words “forsaking all others” or even anything like them, there is an understanding that that has been promised.
Have you ever had a relationship with a married man or woman (other than your spouse, of course)? Did the partner ever find out? No, I once fancied a bloke who was attached, but did nothing about it. You see, if he’d made a move, he’d not have been the sort of bloke I fancied anymore. If a bloke will cheat on someone else with you, well he’ll probably cheat on you eventually.
Has your partner ever cheated on you? I trust not (see response 2).
What would you do if you found out your partner was cheating on you? Weep, rage, hate. After that, who knows.
And is infidelity something that can (or should) be forgiven? I don’t know. I know people who have forgiven, they seem happy together, though not as trusting. I strongly suspect I’d not be able to forgive such a breach of trust, certainly it would prey on my mind for ever (so not forgotten either). But you don’t really know what you’d do until you are actually faced with the reality.
And if that makes me an old fashioned relic, well I suspect I’m in good company.
Hmm, longest comment I've ever left, most interesting posting Mr Bear.
I believe I've read the same study. Did you see the link to age? Men are just as likely to cheat when they're young as when they're old, whereas women tend to be more faithful as they get older. Indeed, young women are more likely to cheat than young men. Is that surprising?
My answers:
- I'm not surprised by any of the numbers, no.
- No, I have never cheated
- Yes, I have been in a relationship with someone who was in a relationship with someone else. Twice.
- Yes, the partner found out in both cases
- No, I wouldn't do it again. I almost did it again by accident, but fortunately found out she was married in time, and called it off.
- I've only been in two super-serious relationships, and was cheated on both times.
- I didn't do anything ... I was dumped immediately upon finding out.
- I think everything can be forgiven.
All that being said, its different strokes for different folks. Be happy when you find someone who shares your values, but don't judge those who are different.
I believe we live in a very free society, and that's a good thing. Unfortunately we also seem to have developed this sense of entitlement. We're entitled to all sorts of pleasures in life without the hard work or sacrifice that goes into them, and also without respecting those who make them possible. And I think that's the mentality that contributes to infidelity.
First, the answers to your questions:
Does that figure of 40% infidelity among women surprise you? No. Well, yes, I thought it was higher. In my personal experience, I know more men who have been cheated on by women than the other way around (see Robert's comment as an example).
Come to think of it, is the 60% infidelity rate among men surprising? Would you have expected more, or less? Not surprised.
Have you ever cheated on your partner? No.
Have you ever had a relationship with a married man or woman (other than your spouse, of course)? Yes. Did the partner ever find out? Yes. Would you ever do it again? No. Waste of my time, frankly.
Has your partner ever cheated on you? No.
What would you do if you found out your partner was cheating on you? I'd sit down and have a conversation with them to see what's really going on in our relationship, and then make a decision as to whether or not it's worth the work it will take to continue the relationship.
And is infidelity something that can (or should) be forgiven? Depends.
Here's the deal: we make such a big fuss over cheating, and go on about how it's the ultimate breach of trust, as you say. Personally, I don't think it's ever the issue. If you pay close attention, you can usually see why/how one or the other person ended up cheating.
I think the problem is of a different nature: we are trained to do our jobs, to go to school, and all kinds of other stuff, but we are not trained to be in relationships, and especially not in long-term relationships. We are not trained to work through issues and most people end up just being positional and fighting until the love is pretty much gone. Some folks figure it out, and you know who they are when you see them together.
Usually, by the time there's cheating, there are so many unresolved issues in the relationship that cheating is the least of the couple's problems. Sometimes there's someone who just can't keep it in their pants, but I think it's a symptom rather than a cause.
And sometimes people just make mistakes. Forgiveness is not such a bad thing.
Bottom line: it's not a bright line rule for me. Like Mouse says, who knows what I'd do in the situation. But in all likelihood, if I ended the relationship, it would not be because of the cheating, but because of the likely giant chasm that had opened between us in which the cheating happened.
Wow. I would have to say I agree with your theory about how you are supposed to bonk freely until marriage and then suddenly stop - and how that can't really work.
I am supprised by both figures. Both are shocking.
I would find it almost impossible to move on after something like that.
I could see forgiving that person, but continuing on in a relationship... That's something I couldn't see being able to forget -there would always be that doubt.
Also, happy Valentines.
Crikey. I'm astounded by both figures ... 60% for men and 40% for women. Methinks it's appalling that so many people think it's 'ok' to have affairs in a committed relationship or a marriage. It's not ok and it's not forgiveable, but then, I'm a bit harsh like that.
I think adulthood and marriage are a lot harder than we think they will be. For instance, my parents were virgins when they married, and neither has ever had sex with anyone else. I still don't consider it to be a happy marriage. Forgiving a cheater is a personal decision; if you can, you can, and if you can't, then it's good that you know that about yourself.
there are a lot worse things you can do to someone than give someone you're not married to pleasure with your body.
Not shocked at the numbers. Never cheated on parter. Three wives cheated on me. Never made it with a married woman-wouldn't want to do to another what has been done to me. Forgiveness-depemnds on whether before or after hell freezes over. What would I do? I divorced them and used a good lawyer to take any benefit they obtained in the relationship away. Would have preferred a cardiosurgeon doing a cardiac removal-humane but thorough.
Post a Comment