Cooking For Her

The Men's Own Guide To Seduction Through Food

I'll admit, up front, that I'm not a brilliant cook, and I've been known to burn the toast on more than one occasion. Those cooking shows on TV are about as interesting as watching bread go mouldy, and cook books are written in an entirely foreign language, laced with just enough cooking jargon to make men feel really stupid in any indoor cooking situation. (This reverses outdoors, where men are the undisputed Lords of the BBQ, but that's another post.)

However, in this liberated world of equality, men are expected to have at least some culinary skill, so I have managed to cobble together a repetoire of a half dozen or so truly yummy dishes that are guaranteed to impress. And believe me, whip up a scrumptious dish and that next love of your life (or maybe even current love of your life) is really impressed. In Australia, we call such things "leg openers", but I'm not sure I can use that in a family blog like this one.

In my last post, I mentioned "Singapore Noodles". Now I'm not really sure if what I cook is this dish from the equatorial orient, but it doesn't matter.

Follow along... this is so quick and easy, and it makes you look like a candidate for a Michelin award...

Before you start, here's your shopping list:
500g (1lb) of minced chicken
1 white onion
1 red capsicum (in the Excited States, I think you call this a red pepper, or bell pepper... it's big, red and shiny, and about the size of your fist.)
2 or 3 big sticks of celery
2 eggs
1 jar of minced garlic
1 bottle of Satay Sauce (make sure you get one without MSG)
1 packet of Egg Noodle Vermicelli (the really thin egg pasta that comes looking like little bird's nests)
Some cooking oil. (Coconut oil is best, not just for this, but for anything, and butter is next best. Never cook with margarine.)

Seriously. Go down to the supermarket and buy everything that's on the list. I don't care if you think you've got a jar of garlic mince in your pantry... it's probably been there since your last serious love tried cooking something for you on NYE 1999. And while you're there, pick up an acrylic chopping board. Chopping food on the benchtop isn't the most intelligent way to blow your security deposit. You might also want one of those wooden spatula things, because you're going to need something to sir everything with.

Ok. Back from the supermarket and ready to go? Here's the first step... and this is REALLY important. Wash your hands. With soap. Nothing spoils the taste of a meal quite as quickly as engine grease.

Now get your knives ready. You know. Kitchen knives. They're sharp. You've seen them in all the movies, and contrary to popular belief, they're there for chopping things like onion and celery, and not for throwing at (or by) Steven Segall. If you're lucky, they live in a big wooden block on your kitchen benchtop.

Peel the onion and chop. Just remember not to rub your eyes with those onion soaked fingers.

Wash the capsicum under cold running water and cut it in half. You'll see that it's mostly hollow, except for some white stuff and a few seeds. Scoop these out. This is important because I remember being told, once, that they might be poison.

Wash the celery and chop each stick into little pieces.

Get a big frypan, turn on the heat to med-high, and put enough oil or butter in to cover the bottom of the pan to about 1mm (1/16"). Throw in the chopped onion, celery and capsicum. Keep stirring until the onion starts to go brown and the celery starts to soften, then take the frypan off the heat and empty the contents into a bowl. Keep the bowl close... you're going to need it in a moment or two.

Get your big pot of water on the heat. You're going to need it boiling by about the time you've finished the next step, so start it sooner rather than later. Remember to throw a little salt into the water. Hey... don't ask why! Just do it, ok.

Now put the empty frypan back on the heat. You may or may not need more cooking oil... use a little common sense here, I can't be there cooking it for you.

Put the chicken mince in the frypan, breaking up the big lump of mince, chopping it with that spatula you bought to break it down into ever smaller pieces. It has to be cooked until the chicken isn't pink any more, but when it's about half done, that is, half pink and half not pink, put in two or three generous spoonfulls of the minced garlic. What sized spoon? Teaspoon? Tablespoon? Whatever... you have to eat it... so the more garlic you put in it, the more it will taste of garlic. I use about two big tablespoons.

Right after the garlic, break the two eggs into the mince. Try not to get any shell in there... she doesn't want a crunchy surprise in this dish.

You have to keep stirring all this, because you want the egg and garlic stirred through the whole mix, and you want to break up the chicken mince so it's not cooking in big clumps.

When there's no more pink chicken to be seen, pour enough of the satay sauce into the pan to just colour the chicken. That's probably about half the bottle... more is not better.

Put the vegetables back into the frypan with the mince. Stir so that it's all mixed up.

In the meantime, your water should now be boiling, so it's time to put cook the pasta. Use the whole packet... no... take the pasta out of the packet... boiled plastic isn't part of the recipe. Remember that you're actually making enough food for four people (or for the two of you, with lots of yummy leftovers).

The pasta will cook in about 5 minutes. Check it periodically by getting a single strand out and eating it. If it's got a hard centre, it's not done. By the way... don't use your fingers to fish out that strand. That is a pot of boiling water.

While the pasta's cooking, turn down the heat on the frypan and stir occasionally. Taste it. You might want to add a little more garlic.

Drain the pasta when it's cooked. You'll need a strainer of some sort, and not one from the garage. If you don't have one, put it on your shopping list at the supermarket. Once the pasta's drained, empty into a deep bowl or dish, and pour the the ckicken/vegetable/egg mix over the top.

And serve.

Yumm.