Scamming The Lads - Priceless

There's nothing that can occupy an ADD mind like mine for 5 minutes quite like those lads from Lagos.

I had a lengthy exchange a few months back with a Mrs Maxwell who, apparently, was dying of cancer/stroke/boils in a Hospital in Libya.

She was looking for someone to help her carry the 36mil her husband had put in a trunk and left in a Self Storage place somewhere in Lagos. Of course, she wanted most of it to go to orphaned children without parents (like there are any other kinds of orphaned children), and there'd be a 25% commission in it for me because she needed a dumb white person to help her con the people who owned the storage place to pull out the bolt cutters, snap off the padlock on the garage door and get the loot out of there.

She was also a little foggy on why so much cash was there in the first place, and even more foggy on how many trunks, and how much they weighed, whichj meant renting the right sized ute/pick-up from Avis at Lagos International Airport would be a challenge.

Luckily, I can create and destroy email addresses at will, so I said my name was Smart (with the email address to prove it), which, of course, let me suggest we create the Maxwell Smart Foundation.

Ok. So you had to be there. It was a little funny at the time, but I'll admit to being an amateur when it comes to scamming Lads from Lagos.

THIS PIECE from scamorama.com has been my favourite for a long time...
...or at least it was before I tripped over this one from 419eater.com, which is priceless, especially if you're a Monty Python fan like me...

Simple Task

Or "How to make otherwise intelligent people feel really stupid without trying."

I have to admit to being a little over "Blogger Beta" or whatever it's called now. The thing I'm over most is the need to translate this..into gklhsyh.

You've seen them... they're on some blogs to stop the unwashed illiteratae from making comments. I'm not stupid, or at least I don't think I'm stupid, so I am reasonably sure I am capable of reading sans dislexia and faithfully typing the letters as they appear...

...except that I seem to get it wrong about one in every three times. Or not. Methinks Blogger may be playing little tricks here... a sort of dweeb programmer's idea of a practical joke.

Speaking of which, this is the one from a programming forum I'm trying to join...

...the meaning of which is an absolute bloody mystery, and this is about the sixth I've tried. To me, that's WDVTK, except that it isn't.

Global Warming III - Listen Up!

I know some of my regular readers couldn't care less about this bear's alternative theories on Global Warming. I also know that those theories are far from politically correct, but anyone who knows me will be hard pressed to remember anytime Chester The Bear has been politically correct about anything. Swimming against the current is hard wired into my brain somehow (and believe me, there are times I wish it wasn't).

Regular readers of this blog will also know I've recently become obsessed with the whole global warming thing, mostly because I have a brain made out of straw and there are some arguments the doomsayers use that just don't make sense to me.

So before I get into my latest rant, let me recap, incase you were too disinterested to read previous posts...

Volcanic activity around the world has increased threefold in the last 300 years. From 1700 to 1799, there were just 34 "explosive cataclysmic eruptions". From 1800 to 1899, 41, and from 1900 to 1999, 69. Since 2000, we're running at 1 a year.

Around 90% (and maybe more) of the world's volcanic activity occurs out of site at the bottom of the deep ocean, in places called mid-ocean rifts. These are the cracks between the earth's plates where magma from the molten core oozes undetected out into the ocean.

The ocean rifts are so poorly explored that geologists have very little idea of the extent of activity. My suggestion was that global warming is more likely linked to this subsea heating of our oceans that the activities of mankind. Somewhat arrogantly, I thought I might be the only peson on the planet to have made the connection. Thankfully, I'm not, and there are some researchers with lots of letters after their names who've been looking at this for a while.

However, a few weeks ago, along came the UN and its report of climate change that "unanimously" layed the blame at human feet.

Unanimous? An alarm bell immediately went off in my head, an alarm so loud it drowed out the tinitus.

First, when was the last time you believed ANYTHING any government report anywhere told you?

More importantly, when was the last time you saw scientists unanimously agree on anything? The entire process of science is one of argument and counter argument, and is so unbelievably politicised that murders have been committed in the interests of defending one position over another. An eminent scientist will have a theory, and an equally credentialled scientist angrily shouts "bullshit". That is the history of science.

So, back to the point of this rant.

Global Warming Doomsayers point to the rapidly disappearing ice sheet as "absolute, irrefuteable proof" that the world is heating up, and with sweeping disregard for the rules of evidence, they always manage to tack "and human activity is to blame" on to the end of the sentence.

Really? Irrefuteable proof?

For the last couple of years, a team of American and German scientists have been looking at the Gakkel Ridge, a 5000 metre high volcanic ridge on the sea floor stretching from Greenland to Siberia, right under the Arctic Ice Cap. What they expected to find was little pockets of thermal activity here and there.

What they actually found was, to quote them, "surprisingly strong magmatic activity in the west and the east of the ridge and one of the strongest hydrothermal activities ever seen at mid-ocean ridges."

There were also far more hot springs on the seafloor than predietced. "We expected this to be a hydrothermally dead ridge, and almost every time our water measurement instruments came up, they showed evidence of hydrothermal activity, and once we even 'saw' an active hot spring on the sea floor," said Dr. Jonathan Snow, the leader of the research group from the Max Planck Institute.

Of course the bloody ice cap is melting. Try putting a big block of ice in a pot of water on the stove and see how long it lasts.

At the other end of the world, in the Souther Pacific Ocean, the rift between the Pacific and Nazca tectonic plates is 'speeding' apart at 15cm a year. That's 5 times the usual speed which means 5 times the amount of magma is oozing out of the middle of the world, which means 5 times the heat is going into the ocean.

And guess where the Pacific/Nazca Plate Rift is? Just near the Antarctic Peninsula, the place that's heating up faster than any other place on the planet. Really? Now wouldn't that be a surprise.

Finally, just last week, came some published research showing NO measurable change in either temperature or precipitation across the Antarctic Continent over the last 50 years. That has climate modellers baffled because in all of the we-did-it global warming models, Antarctica ought to be heating up. Band wagon scientists have been desperately trying to explain this anomaly away. It's important to them. Their next research grant probably depends on coming up with a good explaination, and in any event it's human nature to fit what we see into our model of the world and what we think we know.

Watch now, as the sub sea global warming proposition starts gaining momentum. This debate is far from over.

Bowlarama

I joined a bowling league a couple of weeks ago. It's true. Really. I did. It's been about 15 years since I've been bowling (except for once when CAW and I wagged school (work) one day just before she went to the Excited States). But I used to be ok at it, so back to the lanes I went.

Now I have to say, it has been a bit of a culture shock, and decribing my fellow bowlers would be a whole other blog. I don't think I'll go there.

I dredged out the old bowling shoes, which, I should add, belonged to dad and are nearly as old as I am. He had them hand made by a boot maker just up the road from his factory... I think his name was Pinucci. They've seen better days, thoes shoes, and I suspect a trip to the shoe repair shop might be in order but hey, it's better than "house shoes".

I need a new ball though. I absolutely can't remember what happened to the old one, but it's gone, and sticking one's fingers into one of those "house balls" is... well... let's just say one has no idea where the fingers that were last in those holes have been.

I just can't decide which one ball though. The days of Henry Ford Balls (you can have any colour you want, as long as it's black) are long gone, and there are now so many to choose from.

There's the watermelon ball...

Or the eye ball, which I kind of like, but after a while, I think it would freak me out.

Or maybe this one, understated, with a dash of class. Moo!

Or the megalomaniac's favourite, and currently, my first choice.

And finally, this one, which, given the nature of my newfound bowling buddies, wouldn't work for me, but maybe CAW could put it on her shopping list if she and Big B ever come home to Oz.

Where Is That Umbrella?

It's raining. Really... and I mean RAINING. We're talking 'build a very large boat and start collecting animals' type raining. Ok, maybe not that hard, but this is no passing shower.

This is only important, or even remotely interesting if you live in Sydney or surrounds, where we're experiencing the worst dought in recorded history. The number of times we've had two days rain in a row in the last ten years could be counted on the fingers of one hand.

This is what February used to be like when I was in primary school. It ALWAYS rained in February back then. I remember, because it was back-to-school time after the summer holidays. It just isn't like that now, or at least it hasn't been. We've just had to suffer through years of unrelenting sunshine, and while I know that's only dreamt about in some parts of the world, I can tell you, it truly gets tedious.

So just for the novelty of it and with brolly in hand, I'm going for a walk because by the end of the week we'll be back to the same dreary blue skies.

And The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth (Not)

I made a BIG decision this week, to upgrade our web server to one where we had "root" access.

(For the Aussies among you, yes, you're right. "root access" really does mean you get screwed. For the non Aussies among you, a "root" is an Aussie euphamism for "getting to know someone in the biblical sense", a slightly warmer, fuzzier, less offensive "F" word.)

I'm not going to get too technical here, because it's about as interesting as watching mould grow in your shower, but what we're going through right now with this new whiz bang server is an insight into human nature.

Let's talk reality. If you buy a computer today, you have a choice. You can pay Apple for osX and the privilege of being cool, you can pay Microsoft for Vista and the pivilege of being disappointed that you didn't get to say "wow" (but at least there's lots of cool games that will run on your PC), or you can install one of the gazillion versions of unix/linux, with trendy names like 'Ubantu", 'Red Hat' or 'Debian'... for free.

Free.

So why do most of us choose to pay? Because someone else has done the work for us, and turned the computer's operating system into something we can understand. The alternative is so incomprehensible and so difficult to use that once you master it, you get to go back to your Dungeons and Dragons or Second Life pals wearing a T-Shirt with a penguin on it like it's a secret badge of honour.

You get to grow a really bushy beard too, and preach your one true way to the unwashed with all the fervour and zeal you can muster. Secretly, you really don't want them to listen, because if they did, your whole reason for being would end up in the trash can of life.

It can be summed up very simply...

"I know therefore I am"

...and if you know something that others can not possibly learn, then your place in society is assured (even if the only root you'll ever get is at the top level of your directory tree). And if you can wangle your way into a job that has responsibility for purchase decisions, you can guarantee yourself security for life because the way you set up the company server is so complicated that no-one else will ever understand it.

What has made Microsoft successful, apart from the cool eye candy on which the company's products are built, is the fact that even though the operating system gets more complex, the user inteface gets easier and more intuitive.

Steve Jobs built an entire way of life on that philosophy at Apple... complex tasks achieved with maximum simplicity.

Sadly, the opposite is true with unix/linux, (and a thing called "Apache Server" that makes most of the internet run). The more they develop, the more complex they get. That complexity is in inverse proportion to useability. Real users get swept aside in the interests of technological correctness.

Our new, blindingly fast server is like that. It's so magnificently complex, and so brilliantly over-engineered, that it actually won't do what we want it to do. Really. It can't, and what we want to do is not that difficult.

Worse still, because the preachers really don't want you to have the knowledge, they create manuals that are incomprehensible to anyone but the inner circle, sort of what the bible must have been to 12th century peasants . They seem to work on an assumption that you already know what they're trying to tell you. I've got news for you... if I already new, I wouldn't be reading the manual.

Ah well. I have to go now. I have to put an ad online for a server programmer to get it all runing for us.

Peeling Bananas

There's just something creepy about those people who peel the whole skin off the banana, remove the fleshy edible bit with their fingers, and throw the skin away BEFORE they start eating.

You know who you are. I don't like you. Stop it immediately. Seriously. It really is just icky.

There is only one civilised way to eat a banana, which is to half peel the skin so that you have something that's not soft, wet and squishy to hold on to. The more you eat, the further you peel.

Actually, there is another way to eat a banana...

...with a fork or spoon, but before you can do that, you have to peel it, place it in a bowl, smother it with cream, ice cream, chocolate sauce, nuts, hundreds & thousands, and, if you're really adventurous, a dash of cinnamon.

Superbowl - The Best Bits

Sadly, I missed most of the superbowl game. I had to be at the office firing someone's ass (see previous post).

It didn't matter... we don't get to see the best bits anyway. You see, the broadcasters here think people watch the Superbowl for the game, so during the ads, they cut to station promos or some guest commentator.

Thankfully, the wonders of the intenet can fix that.

Of course, everyone's fave was the Bud ad with the poor liddle doggie, but this one from GM is brilliant.



Other honourable mentions to the Taco Bell ad with the lions, and the Coke ad with the guy in the old people's home.

Random Observations II

Ok. So yesterday's thoughts turned into a rant. As Mrs Mouse suggested, I may have a touch of Februaryitis, but I am fighting very hard, so I thought I'd try again...

Sunsets look better on a hazy day. It's got something to do with refraction of light through the particles of stuff that clog up our lungs.

The best part about a drought is that it doesn't rain. Ok. I know that sounds obvious, but one can at least plan ahead without having to make contingency plans for crappy weather.

The worst part about a drought is that it doesn't rain. I miss the rain sometimes... especially that misty, in-your-face rain you get 361 days of the year in Vancouver.

There's something magical about a walk through the back streets of Istanbul. If you haven't been there, put it on your list of places to see before you die.

"Il Sigaro" at L'Opera in Long Beach defies words. L'Opera is a chique Italian Ristorante on Pine St. Il Sigaro is dessert. If you haven't eaten there, put it on your list of things to do before you die.

Szechuan Garden in Sydney is one of the world's truly great Chinese restaurants. Go there. Have the Lamb Pancakes, Salt & Pepper Prawns and Pork Spare Ribs. OMG.

Most people sitting at the front of the plane didn't pay for their own ticket. Every time I fly anywhere, I wrestle with a big conflict... is getting to sit up the front in a nice wide comfy seat for 14 hours the best way to spend $5,000, or would that money be better spent on, say, some fabulous piece of art when I gete there. My head usually votes for the art. If it was my money, my head would probably win. Fortunately, most of my flying has been on someone elses dime.

Cars go faster when they're washed. They run better, and their engines are quieter too. It's almost as though the cars know.

In Papua New Guinea, the local language is "Tok Pisin". It's a corruption of English, German, and about a thousand local dialects. The expression for "comprehensively broken" is "bugarup", as in "car im bugarup", which loosely translates as "the car has broken down". Language can be universal.

There is something truly special about getting up just before dawn. That's why I don't do it very often. I'd hate to make it mundane and every-day.

Random Observations

I had a little time, today, while I was waiting for a locksmith to come and change the lock on the office door, to contemplate random stuff.

Here are a few observations...

• Potato chips don't taste as good as they used to.
• There are no visionaries left in the world any more.
• Successful people are more likely to have succeeded because of their ability to manipulate the people around them than because of their ability to do whatever it is they're supposed to be doing.
• Life was more fun and less complicated before we had all these things that were supposed to make our lives better (like laptops, mobile phones and cable TV).
• It's not wise to believe anything you hear from government, read on a label, or see in any advertisement.
• Milk doesn't taste as good as it used to.
• No-one in South Africa reads my blog.
• People are stupid. Not all of them, but so many of them as to characterise the species.
• Women generally have unreal expectations of what they should be receiving out of a relationship.
• Issues may change, but the global hysteria remains the same. 30 years ago it was nuclear armageddon and whales, 20 years ago, it was rainforest clearing and whales. 10 years ago, it was globalisation and whales, and today, it's climate change and whales. The only real loser, so far, has been the whales.
• Politicians are smarter than people, in that they know people are stupid, but at the same time, they're more stupid than people because irrespective of how well intentioned they are, they generally don't have a clue.
• Strawberries don't taste as good as they used to.
• It's much more difficult today for someone to invent something in their garage that will change the world, than it was, say, 100 years ago when people were hand building internal combustion engines and flying machines.
• Footballers are paid too much.
• Capitalism doesn't work any more (I'm choking on this... I am a card carrying capitalist), because company directors have to make decisions for the short term profit of the company and not the long term enrichment of the society.
• Communism never worked, because corruption is a very tempting beast.
• There's no "wow" left in the world (despite what Microsoft is trying to tell us).
• Nothing tastes as good as it used to.
• I've reached the conclusion that if the world was more like Star Trek, it would be a very boring place indeed (and I am a card carrying Trekkie from way back).
• As a society, we've become individually too nasty and collectively too nice.
• Having every possible luxury available to anyone all the time just takes the sizzle out of life.
• Avocados used to be a treat. Now they're everywhere (and they don't taste as good as they used to).

Hmmm... it turned into a rant. Sorry.

I Am Such A Bastard!

I fired our receptionist/secretary this morning, and didn't so much as go through a single second of feeling bad about it.

After all, she deserved it. She was a slacker who we think spent most of her day web surfing and chatting with girlfriends on-line. And at the end of each day, she'd use one of those track eliminators to remove (or so she thought), all evidence of what she'd been doing.

We'd suspected it for a while, but after Friday's incident, we did some real checking.

Friday? Let's just say we had a display of absolute disrespect, followed by a major dummy spit, followed by "I just can't stay here today. I need the rest of the day off", closely followed by secretary (let's call her "K") scuttling out the door.

It struck me that it may have been no co-incidence that Friday was deadline day for a number of key projects that we'd handed over to K, and the only reason I was in the office at all was to go through them with her.

SO I spent a couple of hours trawling through her computer and found... nothing.

And I really mean "nothing"... not a single word processing or spreadsheet file had been created or altered in the two preceeding weeks.

No wonder she had to go home sick... she hadn't finished her assignment. I remember using that trick once or twice, but the difference is, that was primary school, and this is life.

The odd part was every time Dr J or I passed her desk, she'd be typing away furiously, looking awfully productive. This makes me sad. I used to swear blind that if ever I was fortunate enough to be able to employ other people, I would never spy on them, and would give them space to get on with the job without constant fear of me looking over the shoulder.

Now I'm starting to rethink. Are all employees slackers who won't actually do the work unless the boss rides them all day?